I am not well today, in fact I have the most rotten cold. My head is swimming, my throat is sore, my phlegm is green and I am achy. Yuck. Thanks to the love of my life, I have his cold.
On to other news. We finally got a reply from our adoption worker about the two little ones from the website that we are interested in. Her reply was short, she would check with their adoption worker as to what kind of parents she is looking for and if we fit that criteria she would ask her to read our home study. We should hear back from her in a couple of days. So to torture myself I looked at their profiles again online. I have to ask myself (as I am sure you are asking) what the hell am I doing? Why am I allowing myself to hope for children that may not even be available for us to be matched with?
I am keeping this short today as nobody is reading anyway and I feel like crap!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Two Years?
Saturday, April 23, 2011
The government of Alberta, children's services has been highly criticized in the past for having photos and information about adoptable children on the Internet. http://www.child.alberta.ca. I however have always been a supporter of this practice. Prior to choosing to adopt I always thought that it was better to promote these children rather than them being unknown, just a number of the system. Sure, I understand why people feel that it may be exploiting and harmful but the motives behind it always seemed honest and sincere, to benefit the children and ultimately place these children in forever homes.
As you may know, Paul and I have chosen to adopt through the government of Alberta. During our first meeting with our adoption worker we were told that the children on the website were not going to be available to us, that there needs are too severe for us to be matched with. In fact we were told that these children are so severe that they have been matched against every adoptive family in Alberta with no success. At first, I convinced myself to stop looking at the children available on the site, telling myself that they are not for us but after only a short time I gave into curiosity and went online. Most of the children that have been on there forever are still there, although there were two new little ones and I have been trying hard not to fall in love. After reading their bio I promptly sent our adoption worker an email for more information and am waiting on pins and needles for a reply. Who is she to say that these children are too severe for us, I would really like to be given the opportunity to decide myself. I would like to be given the opportunity to know more about them. I know that it is her difficult job to match families with children, goodness knows she is under a great amount of stress to make the right matches, but I am not sure that these two are not for us. I hope that I am not grasping at straws just hoping for a match sooner than later but I really don't think that is what is happening here. Of course, I am wanting to look at their bio now all of the time and it is slightly frustrating that Paul is not feeling the same level of excitement or interest. He would rather play it safe, not want to get interested if they are not available to us. Oh how different he and I are.
This whole process is trying to force me to learn patience. I am not sure the process is winning...
As you may know, Paul and I have chosen to adopt through the government of Alberta. During our first meeting with our adoption worker we were told that the children on the website were not going to be available to us, that there needs are too severe for us to be matched with. In fact we were told that these children are so severe that they have been matched against every adoptive family in Alberta with no success. At first, I convinced myself to stop looking at the children available on the site, telling myself that they are not for us but after only a short time I gave into curiosity and went online. Most of the children that have been on there forever are still there, although there were two new little ones and I have been trying hard not to fall in love. After reading their bio I promptly sent our adoption worker an email for more information and am waiting on pins and needles for a reply. Who is she to say that these children are too severe for us, I would really like to be given the opportunity to decide myself. I would like to be given the opportunity to know more about them. I know that it is her difficult job to match families with children, goodness knows she is under a great amount of stress to make the right matches, but I am not sure that these two are not for us. I hope that I am not grasping at straws just hoping for a match sooner than later but I really don't think that is what is happening here. Of course, I am wanting to look at their bio now all of the time and it is slightly frustrating that Paul is not feeling the same level of excitement or interest. He would rather play it safe, not want to get interested if they are not available to us. Oh how different he and I are.
This whole process is trying to force me to learn patience. I am not sure the process is winning...
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
You know you have fertility issues when...
I have been thinking for some time that there is something really wrong with me. I have a dark, twisted, gnarly side that thinks often of kidnapping (seriously, but not seriously).
Being a sister-in-law to many I have had the joy of becoming an aunty seventeen times, that’s right seventeen! And don’t get me wrong, I love my nieces and nephews but you know you have fertility issues when you cringe every time a family member or friend announces that they are pregnant. I have found that over the years I have come awfully close to baby napping many a child. It is so painful to be the one on the other side, the one who can’t get pregnant; you start to feel like just taking a baby is the only option. Sure, you smile and hug and congratulate those who have babies and get pregnant but inside you crumble.
Being the fantastic auntie that I am, I tend to love on my nieces and nephews A LOT. And usually just when I am really enjoying the snuggles, soaking up all of the hot breath and baby love, wrapped up in my own little world someone will say: "Oh that looks so good on you".
$#%&!
And in reply I smile and say things like...
"Oh I just get to spoil them and give them back" or
"Isn't she beautiful?" or
"I am so lucky to be an aunty"
but what I really want to say is...
"I wish" or
"Stop being so damn insensitive" or
"I know, it should be us, not them"
It is not that you are wishing people infertility or even that you are unhappy for them, it is simply that the pain of not being able to have a baby is a well so deep that you can’t see the way out. (If you are a friend of mine or a member of my family I hope that you know that I am truly happy for you and truly blessed to have you and your children in my life).
Being unable to have another baby has left me jaded and bitter. I can remember a time when a close friend of mine told me she was pregnant; we were at a restaurant and our entire table erupted with cheers and joy. I put on my bravest face, gave her the biggest hug and celebrated with the rest of them. However at that very moment I felt my sister’s hand under the table rub my knee, she knew the instant anger, agony, jealousy and guilt that I was feeling. Whether you have had one or two or none at all, when you want to have a baby and the universe says no, it is so damn debilitating.
In the midst of the crazy anxiety and feelings of inadequacy you start to do crazy things like offer people to take their baby if they don’t want it; and yes I have done that. I have actually (and no I am not proud) tried to persuade a young, pregnant girl to give us her child, like I said, you know you have fertility issues when.
Being a sister-in-law to many I have had the joy of becoming an aunty seventeen times, that’s right seventeen! And don’t get me wrong, I love my nieces and nephews but you know you have fertility issues when you cringe every time a family member or friend announces that they are pregnant. I have found that over the years I have come awfully close to baby napping many a child. It is so painful to be the one on the other side, the one who can’t get pregnant; you start to feel like just taking a baby is the only option. Sure, you smile and hug and congratulate those who have babies and get pregnant but inside you crumble.
Being the fantastic auntie that I am, I tend to love on my nieces and nephews A LOT. And usually just when I am really enjoying the snuggles, soaking up all of the hot breath and baby love, wrapped up in my own little world someone will say: "Oh that looks so good on you".
$#%&!
And in reply I smile and say things like...
"Oh I just get to spoil them and give them back" or
"Isn't she beautiful?" or
"I am so lucky to be an aunty"
but what I really want to say is...
"I wish" or
"Stop being so damn insensitive" or
"I know, it should be us, not them"
It is not that you are wishing people infertility or even that you are unhappy for them, it is simply that the pain of not being able to have a baby is a well so deep that you can’t see the way out. (If you are a friend of mine or a member of my family I hope that you know that I am truly happy for you and truly blessed to have you and your children in my life).
Being unable to have another baby has left me jaded and bitter. I can remember a time when a close friend of mine told me she was pregnant; we were at a restaurant and our entire table erupted with cheers and joy. I put on my bravest face, gave her the biggest hug and celebrated with the rest of them. However at that very moment I felt my sister’s hand under the table rub my knee, she knew the instant anger, agony, jealousy and guilt that I was feeling. Whether you have had one or two or none at all, when you want to have a baby and the universe says no, it is so damn debilitating.
In the midst of the crazy anxiety and feelings of inadequacy you start to do crazy things like offer people to take their baby if they don’t want it; and yes I have done that. I have actually (and no I am not proud) tried to persuade a young, pregnant girl to give us her child, like I said, you know you have fertility issues when.
The Beginning
This blog is about our adoption. It is April of 2011 and I have begun writing this because the waiting is killing me, I am hoping that this will help focus my energy. Truthfully blogging has always interested me, although until recently I had no reason to write one, I suppose that adoption is as good of a reason as any.
On March 15th (which happened to be my 32nd birthday) we were finally approved to adopt by the government of Alberta. Our adoption process started officially in August of last year, unofficially it started in 2004.
Paul and I met in 1994 while working at McDonald's, we fell in love hard and fast. Four years later we married and two years after that our first son, Marcus was born in October. Getting pregnant with Marcus took a long time so when we chose to try for another we were not surprised to have little success. We were a year-and-a-half into trying when we sought medical assistance, a routine pregnancy test at the beginning of our fertility treatments was positive and Noah was born in April of 2003. Paul and I always agreed that a small family was not in the cards for us, he being the oldest of six and me coming from a small family wanted to have enough kids for a football team.
In 2004 we started thinking about adopting when a family member became pregnant expectantly and was thinking about placing the child for adoption. For Paul and I saw this opportunity to expand our small family without the stress of becoming pregnant ourselves. Just as I began to feel excited my family member changed her mind and decided to keep her baby. Feeling disappointed and rejected we went to the information session for Adoption Alberta, and promptly left scared out of our minds. Marcus was three and Noah was one, adopting a child from the government was just not for us, too many unknowns, not easy enough.
2005 through 2007 was a crazy time of us trying to get pregnant and then trying to pretend as though the four of us was enough. I have decided that time waiting for something is time wasted. Trying to get pregnant, trying to feel complete, trying to make a decision was all time spent not living. In the end we were told that our two boys were miracle conceptions and that we should be happy with what god gave us. It took a long time for me to mourn the loss of our fertility, to mourn the opportunity to expand our family. Depression hit hard and through therapy and love I was able to truly internalise the idea that I was never going to be pregnant again, and oh how I loved being pregnant! I am not going to over glamorize our struggle. It was ugly. Never in my life have I questioned my existence more. From a very young age I was told that I was born to be a mother and somehow having only two children made me feel like I wasn't upholding my end of the bargain. It wasn't until very recently (while waiting to be approved) did I realise that being a mother to one, six or thirteen doesn't make you more or less of a mom. It is not about how many kids you have it is about how you love them, doing right by them.
Last summer we chose to look at adoption more realistically. We checked out private agencies in Alberta and even considered adopting internationally. Our research led us back to our beginning and back to the government of Alberta adoption program. We decided that now was the time. Time had healed our fertility wounds and we came out the other side stronger and feeling more capable. Choosing which route wasn't easy and in the end we decided to adopt societies forgotten, knowing full well that the children in 'the system' are the most fragile, the most scared and the most needy. Besides after parenting Marcus (who has special needs, and you will learn more about later) prepared us for the challenges that come with these special needs kids. In August 2011 we started the paperwork to adopt.
On March 15th (which happened to be my 32nd birthday) we were finally approved to adopt by the government of Alberta. Our adoption process started officially in August of last year, unofficially it started in 2004.
Paul and I met in 1994 while working at McDonald's, we fell in love hard and fast. Four years later we married and two years after that our first son, Marcus was born in October. Getting pregnant with Marcus took a long time so when we chose to try for another we were not surprised to have little success. We were a year-and-a-half into trying when we sought medical assistance, a routine pregnancy test at the beginning of our fertility treatments was positive and Noah was born in April of 2003. Paul and I always agreed that a small family was not in the cards for us, he being the oldest of six and me coming from a small family wanted to have enough kids for a football team.
In 2004 we started thinking about adopting when a family member became pregnant expectantly and was thinking about placing the child for adoption. For Paul and I saw this opportunity to expand our small family without the stress of becoming pregnant ourselves. Just as I began to feel excited my family member changed her mind and decided to keep her baby. Feeling disappointed and rejected we went to the information session for Adoption Alberta, and promptly left scared out of our minds. Marcus was three and Noah was one, adopting a child from the government was just not for us, too many unknowns, not easy enough.
2005 through 2007 was a crazy time of us trying to get pregnant and then trying to pretend as though the four of us was enough. I have decided that time waiting for something is time wasted. Trying to get pregnant, trying to feel complete, trying to make a decision was all time spent not living. In the end we were told that our two boys were miracle conceptions and that we should be happy with what god gave us. It took a long time for me to mourn the loss of our fertility, to mourn the opportunity to expand our family. Depression hit hard and through therapy and love I was able to truly internalise the idea that I was never going to be pregnant again, and oh how I loved being pregnant! I am not going to over glamorize our struggle. It was ugly. Never in my life have I questioned my existence more. From a very young age I was told that I was born to be a mother and somehow having only two children made me feel like I wasn't upholding my end of the bargain. It wasn't until very recently (while waiting to be approved) did I realise that being a mother to one, six or thirteen doesn't make you more or less of a mom. It is not about how many kids you have it is about how you love them, doing right by them.
Last summer we chose to look at adoption more realistically. We checked out private agencies in Alberta and even considered adopting internationally. Our research led us back to our beginning and back to the government of Alberta adoption program. We decided that now was the time. Time had healed our fertility wounds and we came out the other side stronger and feeling more capable. Choosing which route wasn't easy and in the end we decided to adopt societies forgotten, knowing full well that the children in 'the system' are the most fragile, the most scared and the most needy. Besides after parenting Marcus (who has special needs, and you will learn more about later) prepared us for the challenges that come with these special needs kids. In August 2011 we started the paperwork to adopt.
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