I love my husband...I love my husband...I love my husband....

Don't get me wrong I do love Paul, very much however I am not sure that I like him all of the time! He is extremely busy. Paul owns his own business (he is a computer guy) and has for fifteen years, that in itself is a lot. Paul also coaches football and throws heavy things with the Alberta Scottish Athletic Association. He is just plain busy. So, my venting is this...

We have been building a bathroom in our basement for five years. That's right FIVE YEARS!

We live in an older home that was built in the 50's and whereas we have renovated some of it we have been unable to renovate our bathroom upstairs because it needs to be gutted and we cant do that unless we have a pot-to-piss-in, so to speak. Our upstairs bathroom was renovated in the 80's and it would have been a perfect location to shoot a porn truthfully. On one of the walls there is floor to ceiling mirror (whatever you do, don't look to your left while sitting on the toilet), the other walls are floor to ceiling tile, the floor is honeycomb tile, the sink is the shape of a sea shell, the ceiling is cedar wood paneling and the shower is missing the door so we have to use a shower curtain.

If the bathroom was just ugly then I could deal with that but its not. The bathroom is falling apart by the day. Shortly after we moved into the house (eight years ago) we lost some of the tile from the wall beside the door. The honeycomb floor is coming apart and our sweet Brandy likes to pick off the pieces daily, we now have a huge hole in the middle of the floor. Our tub, although I have cleaned it with bleach and a scrub brush many times will spew putrid black flakes if you turn the jets on. The shower? Don't get me started. It is so old that the plastic is breaking down and can no longer be cleaned. The doors on the vanity don't close properly and the door to the bathroom itself will not stay closed unless there is a towel on the top of it to wedge into the door frame. Although if you lock the door you cant open it....hm?

My dear friend Helen suggested that I just glue the floor tile on and truthfully I'm not interested, and for a couple of reasons. I am hoping that the worse that it gets the faster my husband will move to get the basement bathroom done. And also, if I glue tiles down I will never be able to get them off when it comes time to actually do it.

Having one bathroom for a family of five just logistically does not work anymore either. There have been many times when one of us is banging on the door to go while someone else is rushing to get off. And forget privacy when taking a bath, quite often I am interrupted with a child using the toilet while I'm in there. Ugh.

I love Paul, I really do but he has no follow through and even less free time. And he is not very handy so things take him longer to complete. I try to do what I can to help out. We are not the type of family that has extra cash laying around and so we do home repairs ourselves to keep the costs down. So right now the downstairs bathroom is waiting to be drywalled. Then there is the floor, ceiling, installing the fixtures and paint. I will do the mudding and taping of the drywall (a job that I detest) as well as the tiling of the floor and the painting but I am not strong enough to drywall or install the fixtures by myself.

So I gave my hubby an ultimatum, finish the bathroom or you can not go play with your friends on the 14th (he has a highland games). I hated doing it, we just don't have that kind of marriage, and truthfully I would never stop him from going. But I need him. I need him to physically do somethings around our house. As a family we need him to choose us. See, he always makes throwing a priority and he never misses a game. our home needs to be the priority. Also, football starts in August and so I can kiss him goodbye from August to October.

The other issue is that today we are supposed to be leaving to go to the lake. Paul's parents own a cabin and today we are supposed to be out there getting the cabin ready for the summer. It is not helping at that cabin that I mind it is just that our home needs help. It is a long weekend and wouldn't it be lovely to spend those three days renovating?

So, right now I am sitting here with steam coming out of my ears and Paul is nowhere to be found. Where is he you ask? Working. He had a server go down and he is at a clients. Again (for the third trip in a row) I am left to pack and get ready to go. I have done all of the grocery shopping, laundry and packing without any of his help at all. Granted, he is working. I am just enormously frustrated with his lack of presence at home. I need more of him, I need him to choose us BEFORE he chooses football and heavy events.

Our 14th wedding anniversary is on Wednesday and I am just not sure what it will hold. My love for him is unwavering, I cannot imagine life without him, although right now I am not too happy either. I guess I don't feel much like celebrating.

Changes

I have come to realize in my absence from blogging, that our family is about so much more than Brandy's adoption. We are a family that loves football for example and that too deserves to be written about. We have two kids with special needs and all of the complexities of that deserves time. Our home is crazy, loud and always in a state of renovation. Our life is no more hectic than anyone elses and our family is just as special and important as yours; I just think that we have stories to tell that others might relate to.

I have changed the name of the blog to Notes from a Family in Progress because the old title really only represented the changes brought to our life because of Brandy's adoption. Our family is forever changing, growing and progressing, thus the change of the blog name.

So, I promise to myself to write more often, this is after all a place for me to keep record of the insanity and love of our family

Not such a good day...

I don't know if it is just that I am tired or perhaps it is PMS but today is not such a good day. I cannot seem to gel with Brandy today, her and I are no where near on the same page. Thursday is music day and like the last few Thursday's Brandy and I went excited for our music class. It was mostly good until about half way through when Brandy decided that she wanted to sit with anyone but me, in fact she was giving me a nasty look and then going to sit with other people, so much so that my friend Heather asked what I had done to piss Brandy off this morning! I know that she is two and I am thirty-something but really it is hard to not take it personally. It leaves me feeling rather disheartened. Then we went to Sobeys and there she whined most of the time and for what I have no idea, then again to take out her frustration she hit me. By the time we got home it was all I could do to get her lunch and get her down for a nap....although she is not napping.

So far with this adoption, things have been great, really very easy but today...today is a bad day. Right now she is screaming 'no' in her crib. I knew at the beginning that there would be bad days and good days, I guess that I was just hoping that the bad days wouldn't be because I was feeling frustrated with her. I know that when the boys were two there were days that I didn't really like them all too much either but I don't really feel like I have the right to feel this way about her. After all isn't this what I asked for? I asked to have another child, for the good and the bad. When there are still people waiting for kids do I really have the right to be frustrated?

So, when I am ready and more calm, I will go into her room, pick her up, give her a snuggle and hopefully be able to turn it all around. Maybe she is feeling pretty crappy about the adoption today too.  

Then and Now

Our dear Brandy has peed on the potty before her bath two nights in a row!

I know that this is dorky and I never wanted to be that kind of mom that made the whole world aware of my child's bathroom habits but oh well! We are thrilled!

Going through this toddler stuff for the third time is so much fun. I know that I am in a different place at a different time of my life but I don't remember enjoying it so much with the boys...perhaps it is because it was something that I took for granted with them and then was not able to have again until now. Perhaps it was also that I was tired and depressed.

I remember telling Paul that he had to eat supper beside the boys, had to bath them nightly and put them to bed. OH THE GUILT! If I could do it over I would, I would love every second and not let it feel like a chore. (In my head right now I can hear my best friend telling me to shut-up, give myself a break and remember that I am only human). Don't get me wrong, I did bath the boys, eat with them, read to them and tuck them into bed, but if given the chance I would avoid having to. I was totally hands-on, until Paul came home from work.

When the boys were little, there were two of them. I was lost, not sure what my life meant and if being a stay-at-home mom was enough. When the boys were young I was depressed, still battling post-partum from Noah's birth. There is nothing that I can do to change the past and letting myself enjoy Brandy being a toddler isn't wrong, it doesn't make the past any worse. I need to let myself enjoy this time and not let the guilt of the past cloud the present. 

I know that I have always been a loving and caring mom but these past few years I really feel like I am truly a very good mom. I am good at what I do, just like an electrician, lawyer or doctor. I feel as though I have come into my own, grown up and not just accepted but enjoy the decisions that I have made. Which is another reason why I was so ready to adopt, because I know that not only can I handle it but that I want it.

I love bathing Brandy, she totally cracks me up! I love the smell of the soap and washing her hair. I love rubbing her with lotion and helping her brush her teeth. As for eating with her, Paul eats dinner beside her because I usually eat breakfast and lunch with her. I love to snuggle with her before bed, Paul and I almost fight over it!
So, this time around... I will delight in the trips to the potty. I will savour the bath times and her snuggles afterwards when she is shivering cold. I will laugh inwardly at the temper tantrums. I will enjoy reading the same book over and over (if it means that I get to be with her). During diaper changes I will take the opportunity to talk to her and teach her things. And for my boys? I will remind them everyday that I love them. I will take them to football, fencing, horseback, lacrosse and birthday parties. I will enjoy the after school homework sessions and be grateful that I get to be with them. I will gladly take them to movies that I have no desire to see, just so that they will hold my hand in the dark. I will play board games and read books to them. I will continue to be the mom that I have become and I will forgive myself for being the mom that I was.  

My Boys...

Well my Marcus and my Noah have been through alot lately. First it was Christmas and the business that goes with that, then it was a death of someone close to us, then it was the trip to get Brandy, then it was getting sick and missing school and now for poor Noah it is a new orthodontic appliance that has been put in his mouth. OY!

I have talked to both of their teachers and they have all seen an increase in anxiety of BOTH boys, not just our Marcus with the diagnosed anxiety disorder. So today I made appointments for both of them to see our psychologist. We knew that the process of adopting and then bringing a new child home would be hard on the boys but I guess I was not really prepared.

We have seen a return of many of Marcus's ticks (from his Tourettes Syndrome), obsessions / compulsions (from his Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and general anxiety behaviour. His poor hands are red and cracked from the return of his hand washing. Being afraid and disgusted by germs is a constant for Marcus although he usually manages the need to compulsively wash quite well. We try to ensure that he eats well, sleeps enough and has a manageable amount of stress; doing so (along with medications) allow him function really, very well. Lately, obviously we haven't been able to keep it balanced enough for him. He was so upset the other day when he accidentally touched an apple core in the van garbage that he was begging me to pull over the car so that he could wash his hands. Obviously rational thought was not an option because it didn't occur to him that pulling over didn't magically make a sink and soap appear. As for the ticking, well he is back to saying 'excuse me' over and over again. Yes I know that as far a Tourettes is concerned, a vocal tick such as saying excuse me is really rather pleasant. However, when you count your child saying 'excuse me' forty-seven times in one minute it is distressing none-the-less. Knowing that his stress level is so high that he cannot control his own brain is so sad. He has also started picking his skin on his foot again and it is starting to crack, which obviously hurts him. My sweet boy.

As for our Noah, he puts a tremendous amount of pressure on himself and we have always tried to help him work through it, doing things like reassuring him that he is perfectly perfect the way he is. Lately however the pressure is too much. We actually have seen an increase since football this summer. He is always so worried about disappointing a coach or a teacher, failing a test or not making a tackle. He doesn't want to let himself cry and gets embarrassed when showing emotion. It seems that since we have brought Brandy home he is even more worried about these things, even more concerned about being right, perfect, responsible and the 'model citizen'.

So, we have booked them both some appointments with our child psychologist and are giving them all of the love and snuggles that we can. We will keep a close eye on them and work with their teachers to keep them safe and loved. I am sure that it will all calm down with time, right?

I married Prince Charming!

My dear sweet Paul knocked my socks off! Last Friday he came home with not just flowers for me but a bouquet of flowers for Brandy as well. Paul brings me flowers once every couple of months so I already know that I am spoiled but I was blown away that he brought home flowers for our little girl too. When I asked him why he said it was because he wanted to be the first man to ever give her flowers! Be still my heart.

Paul and his little princess!

I am sitting beside Brandy as she eats a jam sandwich for lunch. The table, her cup, her bib and her hands and face are a sticky berry mess! And her hair? Well I am the idiot that gave her a jam sandwich and didnt put her hair in a pony tail.

It is a quiet monday. The boys are finally back at school after a marathon of sickness. They are both still coughing but if I let them stay home until the cough was gone they would never go back. Brandy and I took the boys to school and came home to have what feels like our first "normal" day together. WE have been playing, reading, snuggling and cleaning. So far I have done the dishes, cleaned the Guinea Pig tank, folded laundry and cleaned Brandy's room. It feels good. This is what I was waiting for.

Time has been moving so quickly...kind-of...

The time with Brandy has gone quickly but otherwise time is moving really slow. First of all the weather here in Edmonton has been crazy cold. We have been super lucky this winter so far with balmy, warm weather and then BAM winter hit us hard. Last Sunday we went from plus eight to minus thirty. On Wednesday it was -41 with the wind chill. All that being said, we have been staying home most of this week. It has just been too cold to bother leaving the house. Time is also crawling because Marcus and Noah have both been home sick. Truthfully I am going nucking futs! I have been not just home but really upstairs for a week. So between the cold and the boys at home I am feeling trapped by the walls of my own home.

As for Brandy...I cannot believe that we have had her for two weeks as of today! Life as a family of five is slowly starting to come together and most of it is revolving around Brandy. I have learned so much about this little lady this past couple of weeks, so much that it is impossible to list it all here. I am loving the time I get to spend with her, she loves to snuggle and sing and laugh. She is truly the piece that was missing in our puzzle.

Settling in

We have been home for a little over a week, well ten days to be exact. The first week home was one of emotions, that is for sure. First of all, after we got home from Calgary both Paul and Noah got even more sick and I too still was not feeling my best; not exactly the ideal situation for having a new little one in the house. I was so dissapointed...it wasnt supposed to be that way. It was suposed to be a week of family fun and getting to know each other, instead it was just about surviving. What is truly amazing about the whole thing is that Brandy was so okay, and is still so okay. She plays so nicely by herself, snuggles so sweetly and is just all around easy going. The only time she cries is when we put her to bed and even then it is short-lived. So for that first week we stayed close to home and tried to set her schedual and learn all of the little things about her.

When we were learning about Brandy the information we were given discribed her as quite delayed, about a year in fact; and since having her home I am realizing that she was under estimated. She says lots of words, not just 'chicken-chicken' and understands what you ask of her. I think that the more that we can ask and expect of her the farther that she will go. Teaching playschool has definetly given me the experiance to recognise what Brandy needs and what she is already capable of. I think that a little bit of one on one time and the right pre school programs will help her just that much more.

We have had many visitors over the last while. On the first saturday we were home Amber, Aaron and the girls came over. On the Sunday both my dad and Pauls parents came to meet her. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday Noah was home sick from school and so our next visitor came on Thursday, my cousin Christine. On Friday Brandy and I went to the mall for Lunch with my dear friends Andrea and Helen. On Saturday Brandy met Michelle, a friend of mine that works at Christine's hair salon and then on Sunday, (yesterday) Pauls brother, wife and kids came to visit in the morning. In the afternoon Christine brought the rest of her family and then last night Pauls youngest brother came to visit. And that is only a hand-full of the people that want to meet Brandy!

Marcus and Noah have been adjusting to our new life, both well and not-so-well. We have seen an increase in some of marcus's anxiety behaiviors. His vocal ticks from his Tourettes have returned as well as the picking of his skin. He looks tired most of the time and wants more physical contacat with me. Paul and I have agreed to give it another couple of weeks and see what happens before we rush him to his therapisits. On a good note, Marcus has phyisically had more contact with Brandy, giving her kisses goodnight and holding her in the pool when we went swimming. He is having a hard time putting to words why he is feeling the way that he is, but he is telling us that everything is making him nervous; fencing, school, horseback, family. Noah wears his emotions alot more visible. On Thursday of last week he was able to say that Brandy was making him crazy, that he needed a break from her. He is overwhelmed by the amount of visitors that we have had and frustrated by the amount of love and excitment that they are showing Brandy. He feels both jelous by the attention that she is getting and annoyed that people are loving on HIS sister. Like Marcus, Noah kisses Brandy goodnight and picks her up but he also gets a lot of joy by being the first one in her room in the morning and getting her out of bed. Both of the boys are missing the house the way it was, without the baby gate at the stairs or the little toys all over the living room. They miss being able to watch shows about the war and play some of their video games. Paul and I have decsided to move the video games and DVD player downstairs so that they can have a space to do those things and not have Brandy see them.

The changes have affected all of us. It is strange to see tub-toys in the bath tub and to smell pooppy diapers. It is a reawakening of a person that I was six years ago. I find myself remembering all of the details that before came so easy to us. Things like packing an extra change of clothes in the diaper bag or having a small spoon and fork in the bag also. I am certainly loving having Brandy in our life, it is just change to the tenth degree. I have registered her and I for a music together class and am looking into a moms and tots gymnastics. Both of these things I did with the boys and truthfully did not enjoy them, but it is important and so I am going to try again with Brandy. What it is about theses type of activities is that I do not really appreciate the other moms. I hate that the conversation always works its way back to giving birth and diapers. I really do not enjoy the shallow converstation and the constant comparison of one child to the other, a practice that always leaves one mom feeling like a failure and scared that her child is not good enough. Life if too short. But what is different this time around is that I dont really give a shit as to what the other parents think of me or Brandy. She is perfectly-perfect the way she is and I could care less if so-and-so's daughter is already potty trained or if so-and-so's son is playing piano! I have been in those programs and now realise that it is not the most important part of my day, that yes they are fun and promote learning and confidence in your children but that merly taking your child there does not make you a good parent. Anyway....

Whew! What a Week!

First of all, meeting our girl for the first time was extraordinary.  It certainly wasn't the same as giving birth was and yet it wasn't completely different. Obviously it physically was much less painful and smelly...yuck...but emotionally it was so close. The first moment I saw her I dropped to my knees. The earth stood still and it was just her and I. Previous pictures that we had seen of her did not do her beauty justice, she stunned me and blew my heart wide open. And then she said "hi". That was it, that was all I needed to fall so madly, deeply in love. It actually took me a moment to remember that Paul was there too and that he needed to have his moment and so I took a step back and saw it through a different set of eyes. There is nothing sexier than watching your husband fall head-over-heels in love with his babies. Even thinking about it now gives a slight case of goose bumps. It was a truly glorious moment and I don't think that I could ever put into words the beauty of it all.

The rest of the first day we spent watching her and getting to know her. We played and snuggled and took her for a walk. Her foster parents were so unbelievably accommodating, friendly and open...but more about them later. We were invited to stay for dinner and so our first meal together was Chinese take-out. We left her that night after we put her to bed. We were ALL exhausted. We met our boys and my sweet-sister back at the hotel. (Amber drove the boys down so that she could be there with them when we needed to be there with Brandy. We wanted them to be part of the whole experience but needed them to be with someone when they couldn't be with us. Besides, my sister was there for the birth of both of my boys and we wanted her here for this 'birth' too). After telling the boys and Amber all about our big day I fell into bed.

I woke up on Tuesday feeling like crap-on-a-cracker. I had been sick since the 21st and so I was surprised that I was feeling so bad. None-the-less the four of us got up and went to meet Brandy. When the boys met Brandy it was love-at-first sight for Noah. He wanted to pick her up and never put her down again. Now Marcus on the other had was impressed but distracted by the news cast that was on the television, a completely normal and expected response from both of them. We visited for a bit at the foster house and then went out for our first family of five outing. We took the kids to the Spark Science Center in Calgary, Marcus was thrilled! Compared to our Science center in Edmonton the one in Calgary is much more mature and hands-on. Noah spent the trip bonding with Brandy, lifting her to see things and playing at the exhibits with her. It was a lovely trip, we all wanted to be with Brandy and so were taking turns holding her hands and carrying her. I had my first touch of jealousy about Brandy when she kept going to one particular woman, we kept seeing this woman everywhere and Brandy just loved her. I wanted her to be that excited to see me and yes she was but there was something about this woman that Brandy just was drawn to. This is totally a personality trait of Williams kids and is something that we are going to have watch. She is so cute and so comfortable with strangers that anyone could easily take her. Anyway by the end of the trip I was really sick and called Amber to pick me up from lunch and take me to the doctor. Paul took Brandy back to her house for her afternoon nap. Amber and I sat in the emergency for three hours and then at the end of it left and went to Calgary to go to a doctor there. I was put on anti-biotics and sent home. Oy! So back to Brandy we went, took her our for dinner and then back to the hotel for a sleep over. I was so ill that Paul did all of the work, all I could do was collapse into bed with a fever.
On Thursday morning we were up really early to take Brandy into Calgary for an eight a.m. cardiology appointment. I knew that I shouldn't have gone...I slept the whole way into Calgary and then had to leave the appointment in the middle because I needed to throw up. I didn't go back in but rather slept in the van. After that we went to Toys R Us to spend the remainder of Brandy's foster rec fund. We got a stroller and a play pen for free. We then took Brandy to lunch and then back home for a nap. Her foster parents asked us to let her have her last night at home with them and so they did, they had dinner and put her to bed for the last time.

On Friday, we arrived at about ten o'clock to take Brandy home. It was emotional to say the least and as exciting as it was for us, it was extremely hard to watch Melinda say goodbye. There were plenty of tears from both her and I. I don't know how they did it, how they were able to have and raise this little lady since the third day of her life and then let her go, but thank goodness they did. The drive to Edmonton went well, other than both Noah and I being so sick. I was coughing so hard that I almost peed and Noah coughed so hard that he threw up!

Getting her home was surreal. Here it was an event that I had been thinking about and planning for months and really it was alot less exciting. We got her home, introduced her to the house, her room and the dogs and then put her things away. Really it was all just lovely and calm and easy. We came home to a beautiful banner that Bailey and Katie made for us, it all made my heart sing.

A new year, a new family

Today is January 1, 2012 and tonight is the eve of the eve of our trip to pick up our little girl.

We had a short and exciting trip to Calgary on the Tuesday before Christmas to have our 'information sharing' meeting; to those of you not in the know of adoption lingo, that is when all of her people, our adoption worker and ourselves gather to share information about her and us. The meeting lasted three hours and we learnt more than we could write down and were able to see photos of her for the first time. Of course we knew before the meeting that she was ours but by the end of it there was no doubt. We learnt that she is crazy busy, she doesn't sit still for long and loves Toy Story. Our Brandy lives in Okotokes with a wonderful foster family, they have had her since she was three days old. Melinda is the mom and Shaun is the dad, they have three little girls themselves and foster two, Brandy and a little boy.  She is loved deeply by her family and truthfully that is something that I am struggling with. At the meeting and the two times since that I have talked to Melinda she has cried. They love Brandy and they were going to adopt her. When I asked them why they chose not to they told us that they had three of their own children and wanted to be able to let a family that couldn't have children adopt her. They also were so very honest when they told us that her Williams Syndrome was perhaps too much for them to commit to for the rest of her life. Melinda was hoping that the decision would be made for them and that Brandy wouldn't have ever been matched to a family and that they would be able to keep her by default. She says that they struggled with what was best for their family and what was best for Brandy. I empathise with them and the struggle it was for them to make this decision. We too wondered if adopting was best for our family, how it would effect our biological children and if we could be the family that an adopted child would need us to be. I am sad for them, I don't know how they can let her go, how after having her since the third day of life they can let her go. I am so thankful for the decision that they have made and I am so thankful that they have loved her and cared for her so well, they have been taking care of my daughter, knowing that they would one day give her to me. They have shown her that life did not need to be a struggle and that people wanted her and love her. They have shown her that she can rise above the circumstances of her biological family and her birth. They have given her the gift of safe and loving attachment. For those things I will be eternally grateful.

I cannot begin to type here all of the things that we learned about Brandy and quite frankly some of the details are not mine to tell, those are her details, and she can choose to share them when she wants to. Some of the things we learned were exciting and some of the things scared the shit out of me. A good thing? she loves to swim. Scary? She is a disgusting, messy eater who needs a shower every day just to get the food out of her hair! A Good thing? She is happy most of the time. Scary? She jumps in her crib for a couple of hours a night before falling asleep. A good thing? She likes people, even big crowds. Scary? She has NEVER slept in the car. A Good thing? She is from a Native reserve in Ontario that would like to help us teach her about her heritage. Scary? She has a very limited vocabulary and is close to completely non-verbal.

As I sit here typing this I am overwhelmed with feelings on inadequacy. What if I don't feed her the right foods? sing her the right songs? play the right games? bathe her right? read the right books? What if I don't understand what she needs or doesn't need? What if she cries all of the time for her foster mom? What if she doesn't like me? or worse what if I don't like her? I mean I am 99.9% sure that I will like her, after all I already love her, but what if our personalities and temperaments are so different that we don't fit? I know from teaching playschool that some kids you fall in love with instantly and others you struggle to even like. Some kids it comes easy and some it never comes. I really don't want it to be a struggle. I really want it to be instant and perfect and movie worthy. I want to walk into her foster home and fall to my knees in front of her with tears in my eyes and the feeling of completeness in my heart. I am scared. Really scared.

So, tomorrow I will fill my day with last minute errands, laundry and packing; then first thing on Tuesday morning Paul and I will drive to Okotokes to meet our little girl for the first time. We will spend the days after that getting to know her and learning as much as we can before it is time to leave. On Thursday morning we are going to take her to a cardiology appointment (a routine check-up for her heart murmur) and then either we will be bringing her home or Melinda and Shaun will follow us home with her. Either way she will be home with us by the weekend. By Sunday of this week we will finally be a family of five.