It's been a while...

So I have been trying to gain some perspective on life and adoption, purposely distancing myself to keep my head in the game that I am already playing. Trying to be present in the life that I already have, the life that I am already living. Well, I am not sure that it is totally working, however today I am allowing myself to hope again. Today Paul and I are going to an adoption fair. The central Alberta children's services unit is hosting an adoption fair in Red Deer. I find the whole process a little weird, kind-of like shopping for a new car, browsing the different models and reading the specs about the ones you are interested in, kicking the tires if you may. It is easy to hope that our child or children will be waiting for us there, that we will see their profiles and just know they are ours. It is easy to hope, scary as hell though, is hoping not setting myself up for disappointment again? Every time (through this process) that I have allowed myself to hope I have been met head-on with disappointment. I am not sure how to feel right now. Nervous, excited, happy, hopeful, anxious, all of the above.

Babies Everywhere

I know that I have mentioned it before, when you are infertile, every pregnancy around you is just a little too hard to take. Three. Right now there are three people in my life that are pregnant. And yes I am incredibly happy for them, especially one of my friends who lost a baby last year, she is now expecting in November. However, thanks to the wonderful world of facebook on a daily basis I am faced with their prenatal joys. And oh how I want to feel differently, I want to be over the moon excited for them but I just cant. And that? leaves me feeling like one huge shit. I am so absorbed in my own life that I find it difficult to celebrate the joys of those around me. Sure I am happy for them when they buy new homes, get new jobs or go on vacation but my infertility has left me absolutely bitter. And the worst part is at this rate those pregnant around me will all have their children before we even get matched for our adoption. URG!

On a nicer note...Noah has had football camp this week. Between that and playing outside at recess and such he is getting his summer glow. This is something that I look forward to every year and it doesn't matter how much sun screen we put on him. My beautiful Noah, as he gets more brown his eyes get more blue. And right now his eyes are piercing, enough to melt my heart.

If you dont have anything nice to say

So I know that I shouldn't be bitching but seeing as how this is my blog...

Okay so I was talking to Paul's brother today and he was asking about the adoption, I told him about my frustration and how I have begun to try to move on. His response was that I should stay positive and not rule out any miracles or choices in the future. Yeah? Well screw you! He has no idea what I have sacrificed, how I have changed and the tole that this process has taken on me or our family. People say the most ridiculous things in situations like this. stuff like, "well now your gonna get pregnant" and "you should just be happy to be approved" and "have patience, it will happen when it is supposed to". FUCK OFF!

I want it now, and I am allowed to want it now! I am allowed to say that waiting sucks, I am allowed to feel like God has abandoned me (and please don't throw that Footprints bullshit in my face), I am allowed to feel as though two years is too long and perhaps this was a mistake, that perhaps it is time to move on. I am allowed to cry because of the situation. And yes, I am well aware of how beautiful my life is, how lucky I am to have the family that I do. Nobody needs to tell me that, nobody needs to remind me. I am allowed to be frustrated with what I cant have while I celebrate what I do have.

I do not expect anyone to understand (and I am not saying that in a self righteous way), it is impossible unless you are in our situation. And even if you were in our situation you may or may not feel differently. All I am asking is that if you don't understand try to empathise, or at least please do not say any of the cliche responses. I would prefer you to just say "bummer".

Just a thought...

I know that I wasn't going to think about adoption anymore but considering that is what this blog is about...

I was reading a blog about adoption that I follow (www.stellarparenting.blogspot.com ) and the author had a great point. She was talking about Mother's Day and how it is different once you have adopted kids when they were anything but an infant. What she said is, "In our family we have our own sets of challenges today because my kids are adopted from foster care and I am their 5th mother". Good Point. As a mom you would have to be sensitive to the feelings, thoughts and memories that your adoptive children have of past mothers and parents in general. If you adopt a child that has a hard time attaching, why would they want to celebrate mother's day? It is probably not that they want to be insensitive or hurtful but rather are not sure who for sure is their mother. Is it the woman who birthed them and subsequently lost them? Is it the foster mom who cared for them in crisis? or is it the adoptive mom? And they might even be wondering if it is okay to love all three at the same time.

Here is something else she said..."They make me cards and we celebrate my role in their lives but it's a fine balance between celebrating me and acknowledging that there were others before me and that they mourn the loss of those mothers too. "

I never really thought of this situation. But now I certainly understand that as a family we will have to try our hardest to be sensitive to Mother's Day and Father's Day. Sure we will want our new children to think of us and therefore celebrate us as their mom and dad but only time will tell as to what that means. Also, we will have to try to find the balance between our boys need to celebrate us and yet including (and especially not ostracizing) our new children.

It's funny just how much will be different...that is when it actually happens.

Happy Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day and I woke to the sounds of my boys in the kitchen making me breakfast. Egg McMuffins and hash browns, OJ, and chocolate milk. Yum! I really am so very lucky to have the husband and sons that I do, they really love me so well. In fact Paul made ham and not bacon because he knows that I cannot stand the smell of cooking bacon, even though I am sure that he would rather have bacon.

Marcus made me the most beautiful wooden box and card for Mother's Day. And Noah made me a pastel and crayon picture of a sunflower with a really sweet poem on the back that says I am as pretty as a flower. Paul bought me a new Fuji Instax 210 camera. It is an instant film camera like the old Polaroids of the past. I love it! It takes really fun, little, artsy type photos. Truthfully I asked for it but he is the man for buying it for me. I had asked for a Dyson vacuum for Mother's Day but Paul refuses to buy me a vacuum as a gift, which is sweet. Although when a vacuum costs over $500, I would never buy it for myself, getting it as a gift stifles the guilt of such an expensive vacuum.

Anyway, so today is the day in which North America celebrates it's mothers. And being so I understand that today is also quite a painful day for some people. People who have lost mothers, people who are estranged from their mothers, people who want to be mothers and people who have lost their children; today can be a struggle. I myself, have been estranged from my mother for some time and today makes it more painful, knowing that she is thinking about me and I am thinking about her. None-the-less days like today do not erase all of the hurts in the world. But today, more than any other day I am thinking about those other women of the world who are plagued with infertility. Today is their day also, they may not have children but they are moms in their hearts. I feel your pain, your wanting and your hope. I understand the need to become a mother, to give that gift to a child as well to yourself. Today, I feel the same as you, wanting to have more children to spend my time with and give my love to. Happy Mother's Day to you.

I would also like to say Happy Mother's Day to my sister, who has been not like a mother to me but more like a companion. A thick-as-thieves partner. She too has lost our mother and together she and I have overcome. Amber (my sister) is a fabulous mother who teaches me so much. She also is the worlds best aunt who makes up for the lost love of a grandmother.

Happy Mother's Day to my mom (mother in law) Eva. She has been as much, if not more of a mother to me for the past seventeen years as my own mother. Eva has looked after me when I have been ill, she has cared for my children when I was gone, she has been there after the births of both my boys. Mom has been there for me whenever I have asked and she supports me greatly. Eva is a fabulous grandmother and we are all so grateful to have her!

Also, Happy Mother's day to my friends. Thank you to those of you that I can share my struggles with, who I laugh with and who teach me new things everyday. Thank you to my friends who laugh at my mistakes, don't judge and set me on the right path. I am truly thankful to be in it with you!

Moving on up

Today was the first day of me trying to avoid thinking only of the adoption. And considering that I was on the side of the highway picking up garbage I was pretty distracted. At one point I found myself wanting to steal Marcus's wishing lash, wanting to wish for a speedy adoption but I thought to myself, NO. There will be no more wishing on lashes or candles or coins thrown into a fountain. I am done wishing, I have to move on. My mood today was definetly better, a nice new purse and fancy feet definetly helped; but what I think it is most is my new reserve to just chill out. My life is great, I have two beautiful boys, an amazing husband and two great dogs. I am no longer going to wish it away wating for something.

Retail Therapy

After writing my post last night I tried to distract myself with some mindless television, America's Next Top Model actually. That didnt work, nor did reading in bed. I ended up in a puddle of tears. So, today I picked myself up and went to the mall....

I went to Rocky Mountain Soap company....okay
Then I went to Chapters...uh-oh
THEN I went to Fossil....Oh Crap.

I bought myself a new book, some magazines about the royal wedding of Prince William and a FABULOUS new summer purse!

Now you may ask, did it help? Well, yes in fact it did. I always feel good when I have a beautiful bag on my shoulder.

Now, off to get a pedicure!

Well...

I haven't posted in a while, I guess that putting into words how I have been feeling is not that easy. How am I feeling? Shitty. I went back to bed this morning after the kids went to school, that should say it all. Hiding is what I was doing.

Firstly, we heard back from our AW and the two little ones that we were hopeful for have needs too severe for our family. Crap.

Secondly, during the conversation with our AW she informed me that our home study presented us well although having two big dogs were a concern for some of the other adoption workers. She recommended that we put them through obedience. It is surly not that I think the dogs are perfect (I of all people know that they are not) however this bloody adoption has sucked the life out of me already! and now I have to take my dogs to training! What is so upsetting is jumping hoops for an adoption that may never happen!!!!!

Even though we were presented and warmly received there were also 14 other families presented and at least that amount presented last month. Our darling AW was so kind as to point out that this is going to be a long hall. after all there have been 30 new families within 30 days! URG!

So I am beginning to question my sanity, Noah is beginning to question his worth, Paul is beginning to question the process and Marcus...

Marcus has been having quite the go of it. Not just the adoption but everything for him right now is a bit of a struggle. We are in a valley so to speak. We have been working together (with his therapist's) to try to make Marcus interested in friends. It is not that he doesn't want friends, what he does will find a friend and then pull away, he says that it is easier to be alone, to play alone. His therapist says that his obsession/compulsion to say sorry is so strong that he puts himself in situations where he needs to apologise, purposely annoying or upsetting someone. this obviously makes the kids in his class wary of being his friend. He himself knows what is happening and so he pulls away before it gets too complicated. At the beginning of the year Marcus made a quick friend, for the first couple of months they got along fabulously and then Marcus pulled away, spending time alone, again walking the perimeter of the school yard alone. Even at fencing he has no friends, kids who have tried to be his friend have stopped trying because he is so hard to be around. He doesn't understand humor or social interactions of children his age. He overreacts over simple comments and tries to police them on normal behaviors that he sees as disrespectful or rude. I had a meeting with his school teacher and together we are trying to figure things out. There is another parent at school that has the same concerns with their son so hopefully we can get the two boys together, even though they are not really friends right now. Our therapist gave me a handful of the brown stuff though for not encouraging and fostering relationships with kids from his old school. Well its pretty hard to push your child to be friends with kids that he hasn't seen in over a year and were not really friends to begin with.

And then there is Noah (insert dramatic music here)...the other day when I was in full blown venting mode in the car (thinking that he had his headphones plugged into his DVD player) he overheard me telling Paul how frustrated I am about the adoption process. Next thing I hear is "mom you have to be patient" and then "its not like your dying for kids here, you already have two". My response was normal, saying that I don't have any patience. It wasn't until I was in the shower later that night that it really occurred to me as to what he was trying to say. Here I believed that he had a firm grasp on his worth and why we want to adopt but all of our stress about the situation has caused him to think that we are trying to get another child because the two that we have don't quite measure up. Crap. We spent a long time talking about him and his importance to us and to this family and also of Marcus. We talked about why we want to adopt and even though this is a conversation that we have had many times before he needed to hear it in direct relation to him. He needed to hear about how it will effect him directly, how important he is to the process and how even though it doesn't sound like it, he is more than I could ever ask for.

Paul has decided that we should look into international or private adoption. I know that he is saying this out of frustration with the system and out of concern for me and I really do appreciate the thought but really that is all it is. When  he says that we should look, he means me. When is he going to have the time to look into it?

Well between the Marcus stuff, the Noah stuff, the adoption stuff and general me-being-hard-on-myself stuff I have felt pretty nasty the last couple of days. I booked an appointment with my own therapist. I know that I need the help to see past the stuckness that I am in now. I also called the humane society to see if they would take me back as a volunteer with the dogs. Hopefully for now I can put the adoption behind me, not let it consume me. I cried today, and for me that is a big thing. Usually I have a hard time crying, its not that I don't want to, it is more that I cant, like I have none, like the well is dry. Today, while driving to have lunch with my dear friend I cried, bawled in fact. It all just became too much. Too much waiting, too much anxiety, too much disappointment, too much guilt over the mom that I am (or not) already.

I'm done.