I have been thinking for some time that there is something really wrong with me. I have a dark, twisted, gnarly side that thinks often of kidnapping (seriously, but not seriously).
Being a sister-in-law to many I have had the joy of becoming an aunty seventeen times, that’s right seventeen! And don’t get me wrong, I love my nieces and nephews but you know you have fertility issues when you cringe every time a family member or friend announces that they are pregnant. I have found that over the years I have come awfully close to baby napping many a child. It is so painful to be the one on the other side, the one who can’t get pregnant; you start to feel like just taking a baby is the only option. Sure, you smile and hug and congratulate those who have babies and get pregnant but inside you crumble.
Being the fantastic auntie that I am, I tend to love on my nieces and nephews A LOT. And usually just when I am really enjoying the snuggles, soaking up all of the hot breath and baby love, wrapped up in my own little world someone will say: "Oh that looks so good on you".
$#%&!
And in reply I smile and say things like...
"Oh I just get to spoil them and give them back" or
"Isn't she beautiful?" or
"I am so lucky to be an aunty"
but what I really want to say is...
"I wish" or
"Stop being so damn insensitive" or
"I know, it should be us, not them"
It is not that you are wishing people infertility or even that you are unhappy for them, it is simply that the pain of not being able to have a baby is a well so deep that you can’t see the way out. (If you are a friend of mine or a member of my family I hope that you know that I am truly happy for you and truly blessed to have you and your children in my life).
Being unable to have another baby has left me jaded and bitter. I can remember a time when a close friend of mine told me she was pregnant; we were at a restaurant and our entire table erupted with cheers and joy. I put on my bravest face, gave her the biggest hug and celebrated with the rest of them. However at that very moment I felt my sister’s hand under the table rub my knee, she knew the instant anger, agony, jealousy and guilt that I was feeling. Whether you have had one or two or none at all, when you want to have a baby and the universe says no, it is so damn debilitating.
In the midst of the crazy anxiety and feelings of inadequacy you start to do crazy things like offer people to take their baby if they don’t want it; and yes I have done that. I have actually (and no I am not proud) tried to persuade a young, pregnant girl to give us her child, like I said, you know you have fertility issues when.
No comments:
Post a Comment