The longest pregnancy ever!

WE GOT THE CALL!

Well, this all started in the middles of July. We met with Darlene (our adoption worker, AW for short) to discuss our child desired form and to reconsider some of the things that we were and were not open to accepting. At that meeting she told us that our home study had been pulled for a two-year-old native girl named Brandy. Of course Paul and I were excited but holding our breath, apparently we were one of fifteen studies pulled and in the second batch of studies pulled, apparently another fifteen or so pulled previously! Truthfully I was not very hopeful. Why would we be chosen when he has turned away so many already? We waited and waited and did not hear a thing until the beginning of September when Darlene phoned to tell us that we were one of the final five! Holy Crap! She told us the research Williams Syndrome which is the disorder that Brandy has (along with FASD), that David (her AW) wanted the prospective families to understand fully what the issues are before they agreed to proceed. Well, Paul and I sent the boys to the cabin for a weekend and spent a great amount of time researching, learning, talking and praying about our decision and on September 12th we told Darlene that we wanted to proceed.  Again, we waited and worried, with no news I was beginning to feel discouraged. On October 6th I finally sent Darlene an email asking her the status of the situation and on October 7th we found out that we were one of three! We waited another 12 days before hearing anything else when Darlene emailed to say that we were in the final two! I really didn't know what to do so I sent an urgent plea for my friends on Facebook to pray, chant, keep their fingers and toes crossed, whatever they could do to help us. 27 people either commented or liked my status that day and I could feel the outpouring of love and hope from our friends and family. It is hard feeling so powerless, knowing that other people hold your future in their hands but the love of my friends and family helped keep me faithful. At this point we still know nothing about Brandy other than her age, her ethnicity and her disorder, but we were still so very hopeful and excited.

On October 28th (my sweet Bailey's birthday) we got the call! We were chosen to be Brandy's forever family! Words cannot express the feeling in my heart. I actually did a little dance in the kitchen and sang "we got Brandy" (which was a really bad version of We Got Annie, from the musical Annie). First I called Paul who happened to be in Edson with his family, I so badly wanted to hug him and him being so far away was torture, we did it after all, we succeeded, they chose us! Then I called Amber and finally let the tears of relief out, followed by a call to my dad, Christine and Andrea...all of the people that I needed to talk to and not have them just read it on Facebook. In fact because Paul was with Marina in Edson, she found out and had it on Facebook before I did! I want to be able to describe what I was feeling, I wish that I could put it into words. I know that I was feeling profound gratitude to God and the universe for making it happen. I also know that I was feeling excited and apprehensive at the same time, it was too good to be true. It was a beautiful mix of emotions, not unlike when I found out I was pregnant with Marcus. I think I said Holy Shit about a hundred times. Later that night, with Paul still out of town the boys and I went to babysit Hailey and Isabelle. I watched as the boys, each in their own way interacted with the girls, my heart was swollen with pride. Noah bathed Isabelle all by himself! I wanted so badly to tell them but could not, that after all is whole family discussion, we needed to wait for Paul. The next morning we gathered around the kitchen table and we told the boys. Marcus and Noah both asked for locks on their doors! Noah wanted to know more about her special needs and Marcus just said "its about time". Obviously they had already known that Brandy would be ours. In fact Noah said that he didn't know what I was so nervous about in the first place, of course they would choose us.

So, today is the fifteenth of November and we are still waiting. We don't know much more about he other than her birthday is March 24th, 2009. She is the youngest of eight, she has been in the same foster home since birth and she is in Calgary. There have been many phone calls back and forth between us and Darlene and she is always reminding us to be patient. The powers that be had a meeting last week and approved all of our and Brandy's paperwork, now Calgary people and Edmonton people have to agree that we are in fact the best match for each other. Once that is done we will have our information sharing meeting where we will get to know every detail about Brandy. Then we will meet her for the first time. We are hoping to be able to have her home for Christmas. I have been going stir crazy wanting to set up her room and buy her clothes but even that we have to wait until we know what size she will be in. We don't know anything...is she in a bed or a crib? does she still use a highchair? what does she play with?

So that is where we sit. Knowing that we are going to have our little girl but not knowing when. If you count from the time that we started this process until now you could say that we have been pregnant for fifteen months!

Hello my old...friend?

It has been a long time since I have posted anything, and I have mixed feelings about that for sure. This blog has become both a cherished friend as well as the in-law that you dread spending time with. I really didn't want to say to much because I felt like I had said it all...lamented as much as I could about the adoption taking so long and hurting so bad. I felt like a drag, a bummer, a party-pooper at my own party. I didn't even want to read the shit that I was writing down.

WELL, things have changed....

Daydreaming...

Our Marcus is often in his own little world. When we are driving, walking, at the table, snuggling or otherwise he is usually muttering to himself; lost in far off battles, science experiments, or the future. Sometimes I have to get right in his face to bring him back to me and have him pay attention to something I am saying. He likes to day dream and I love that about him. I love that no matter where we are he can be miles or centuries away perfectly content.

A perfect example of his absent mindedness (while he is daydreaming) is this: We went out for supper the other night. Just Me and the boys as Paul was at a Heavy Events. We were having a perfectly enjoyable dinner although Marcus was obsessed, reading the Chinese Calendar place mat that was in front of him. He was (as he told me after) dreaming about being a Chinese Emperor. I was stuck in the corner of the table, unable to get out without disturbing the table behind us. I asked Marcus to "please get me a bowl of rice". He sat there for a minute or two obviously not having heared me when I asked him again. He apologised and left the table to get what I asked. A minute later he came back to the table with a cup of ice. I looked at him and shook my head, when he asked what was wrong I said, "I asked you for a bowl of rice, not a cup of ice!" Well we all had quite the giggle and Marcus apologised for his blunder, telling me that he was in his own little world, as if I couldn't tell...

We went to see Born To Be Wild at the IMAX yesterday. I have a huge amount of respect for the two beautiful women of the story that have spent their lives rescuing and protecting wildlife of the world, and a huge amount of jealousy! They spend their days loving these animals and changing the world. Their lives are so extraordinary (and this is not to say that I don’t love the life that I have but) my life seems so ordinary in comparison. I would like to be able to say at the end of my days that I did mostly everything that I wanted to do with my life.

There is that saying, "be the change that you want to see in the world", so I ask this...where do I start? Is it responsible of me to pack my children up and take them to a struggling country? Is it okay for me to want that? Both of the women in this story have had children and have raised them successfully in those situations.  And an even better question is do I want to change the whole world or just mine? Paul and I talk often about moving, I cannot stand the thought that I may die being born and raised and lived in only one place in this HUGE world. If I want to live other places it is my responsibility to move on, it is not as if a twister is going to come and transplant me there.

And where does our adoption fit in? Well, we certainly are not going anywhere any time soon. There is just so much that I want for my life, for my boys lives and there doesnt seem to be a way to get it all done...for now...

Today is the 23rd of August. Soon the boys will be back at school, the leaves will start to turn and the air will get crisp and cool. I was hoping that we would have a new child by now, obviously I was wishing that we would have had a child a long time ago (perhaps February like we were told). I was hoping that we would have had the summer together to bond and get to know each other. I was hoping for a lot.

I have been trying to keep it together, trying to just move on and keep busy; and in the spirit of staying positive I have picked up a new hobby..I have started quilting! First it began with a quilt kit from WalMart and I quickly realised that I was in no way knowledgeable enough to get it done. Since then I have taken a couple of classes at a local store and am loving it! My first quilt is called a sampler and are the colors of our bedroom. I am now on to my second class and by the end of the third class I will be done the quilt completely. Truthfully, I am proud of myself. Quilting is something that I have always wanted to do and I finally just made the decision to do it! I have learned a new skill and it makes me happy.

It is hard to realise that even though we are waiting for such a major change to come to our life that our life as we know it still needs to keep going. And not just moving through the motions but actually living. We have had a good summer, enjoying it to the fullest and I owe that to the children I have. I am not saying that I am not frustrated, disappointed and sad that the adoption is taking so long but rather that I have to just keep waiting as patiently as possible. And maybe for a while this will be more of a quilting blog than an adoption blog...

It's been too long

I haven't been blogging lately, there hasn't been too much to say. We waited for some time to hear about the little boy that we were interested in (we saw his profile for him at the adoption fair) and in the end, we were considered, our profile was read but we were passed by. They offered him to another family, one that was more suited medically for his needs. I am not going to lie, I was more than a little disappointed. It is certainly not that I want to bring a child into our home if we are not suited, although I do know that we would have been able to give him the home that he deserves. His medical needs (related to Down Syndrome) we relatively minor and I know that we could have been okay. I know that we would have been able to give him the care that he needs. Its frustrating. So, still we wait, still waiting. Darlene our AW suggested that we go over our child desired form and perhaps expand what we are willing to take, hoping that might help. I am not sure at this point anything will help. Yes, we were approved but I am not sure what that means, I am not sure that being approved really means that we are going to actually get a child.

So we went to the adoption fair last weekend...mostly it was nothing that we have not already seen or heard. Most of the children profiled at the fair were too old or their needs too severe....there was one however....His name is Tristan, he is two, he has Down Syndrome. He is beautiful. Now I know why they don't want to show you a photo of a child before you read their profile, it makes it way too easy to fall in love. I am trying really hard not to be too hopeful, we contacted our AW to find out more information and she said she would get back to us today. I am hoping that this little one is a soft match for us, I am keeping my fingers crossed.

On another note, football is back in full swing. Noah got home last night at 9:30 completely covered in mud and mosquito bites.

It's been a while...

So I have been trying to gain some perspective on life and adoption, purposely distancing myself to keep my head in the game that I am already playing. Trying to be present in the life that I already have, the life that I am already living. Well, I am not sure that it is totally working, however today I am allowing myself to hope again. Today Paul and I are going to an adoption fair. The central Alberta children's services unit is hosting an adoption fair in Red Deer. I find the whole process a little weird, kind-of like shopping for a new car, browsing the different models and reading the specs about the ones you are interested in, kicking the tires if you may. It is easy to hope that our child or children will be waiting for us there, that we will see their profiles and just know they are ours. It is easy to hope, scary as hell though, is hoping not setting myself up for disappointment again? Every time (through this process) that I have allowed myself to hope I have been met head-on with disappointment. I am not sure how to feel right now. Nervous, excited, happy, hopeful, anxious, all of the above.

Babies Everywhere

I know that I have mentioned it before, when you are infertile, every pregnancy around you is just a little too hard to take. Three. Right now there are three people in my life that are pregnant. And yes I am incredibly happy for them, especially one of my friends who lost a baby last year, she is now expecting in November. However, thanks to the wonderful world of facebook on a daily basis I am faced with their prenatal joys. And oh how I want to feel differently, I want to be over the moon excited for them but I just cant. And that? leaves me feeling like one huge shit. I am so absorbed in my own life that I find it difficult to celebrate the joys of those around me. Sure I am happy for them when they buy new homes, get new jobs or go on vacation but my infertility has left me absolutely bitter. And the worst part is at this rate those pregnant around me will all have their children before we even get matched for our adoption. URG!

On a nicer note...Noah has had football camp this week. Between that and playing outside at recess and such he is getting his summer glow. This is something that I look forward to every year and it doesn't matter how much sun screen we put on him. My beautiful Noah, as he gets more brown his eyes get more blue. And right now his eyes are piercing, enough to melt my heart.

If you dont have anything nice to say

So I know that I shouldn't be bitching but seeing as how this is my blog...

Okay so I was talking to Paul's brother today and he was asking about the adoption, I told him about my frustration and how I have begun to try to move on. His response was that I should stay positive and not rule out any miracles or choices in the future. Yeah? Well screw you! He has no idea what I have sacrificed, how I have changed and the tole that this process has taken on me or our family. People say the most ridiculous things in situations like this. stuff like, "well now your gonna get pregnant" and "you should just be happy to be approved" and "have patience, it will happen when it is supposed to". FUCK OFF!

I want it now, and I am allowed to want it now! I am allowed to say that waiting sucks, I am allowed to feel like God has abandoned me (and please don't throw that Footprints bullshit in my face), I am allowed to feel as though two years is too long and perhaps this was a mistake, that perhaps it is time to move on. I am allowed to cry because of the situation. And yes, I am well aware of how beautiful my life is, how lucky I am to have the family that I do. Nobody needs to tell me that, nobody needs to remind me. I am allowed to be frustrated with what I cant have while I celebrate what I do have.

I do not expect anyone to understand (and I am not saying that in a self righteous way), it is impossible unless you are in our situation. And even if you were in our situation you may or may not feel differently. All I am asking is that if you don't understand try to empathise, or at least please do not say any of the cliche responses. I would prefer you to just say "bummer".

Just a thought...

I know that I wasn't going to think about adoption anymore but considering that is what this blog is about...

I was reading a blog about adoption that I follow (www.stellarparenting.blogspot.com ) and the author had a great point. She was talking about Mother's Day and how it is different once you have adopted kids when they were anything but an infant. What she said is, "In our family we have our own sets of challenges today because my kids are adopted from foster care and I am their 5th mother". Good Point. As a mom you would have to be sensitive to the feelings, thoughts and memories that your adoptive children have of past mothers and parents in general. If you adopt a child that has a hard time attaching, why would they want to celebrate mother's day? It is probably not that they want to be insensitive or hurtful but rather are not sure who for sure is their mother. Is it the woman who birthed them and subsequently lost them? Is it the foster mom who cared for them in crisis? or is it the adoptive mom? And they might even be wondering if it is okay to love all three at the same time.

Here is something else she said..."They make me cards and we celebrate my role in their lives but it's a fine balance between celebrating me and acknowledging that there were others before me and that they mourn the loss of those mothers too. "

I never really thought of this situation. But now I certainly understand that as a family we will have to try our hardest to be sensitive to Mother's Day and Father's Day. Sure we will want our new children to think of us and therefore celebrate us as their mom and dad but only time will tell as to what that means. Also, we will have to try to find the balance between our boys need to celebrate us and yet including (and especially not ostracizing) our new children.

It's funny just how much will be different...that is when it actually happens.

Happy Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day and I woke to the sounds of my boys in the kitchen making me breakfast. Egg McMuffins and hash browns, OJ, and chocolate milk. Yum! I really am so very lucky to have the husband and sons that I do, they really love me so well. In fact Paul made ham and not bacon because he knows that I cannot stand the smell of cooking bacon, even though I am sure that he would rather have bacon.

Marcus made me the most beautiful wooden box and card for Mother's Day. And Noah made me a pastel and crayon picture of a sunflower with a really sweet poem on the back that says I am as pretty as a flower. Paul bought me a new Fuji Instax 210 camera. It is an instant film camera like the old Polaroids of the past. I love it! It takes really fun, little, artsy type photos. Truthfully I asked for it but he is the man for buying it for me. I had asked for a Dyson vacuum for Mother's Day but Paul refuses to buy me a vacuum as a gift, which is sweet. Although when a vacuum costs over $500, I would never buy it for myself, getting it as a gift stifles the guilt of such an expensive vacuum.

Anyway, so today is the day in which North America celebrates it's mothers. And being so I understand that today is also quite a painful day for some people. People who have lost mothers, people who are estranged from their mothers, people who want to be mothers and people who have lost their children; today can be a struggle. I myself, have been estranged from my mother for some time and today makes it more painful, knowing that she is thinking about me and I am thinking about her. None-the-less days like today do not erase all of the hurts in the world. But today, more than any other day I am thinking about those other women of the world who are plagued with infertility. Today is their day also, they may not have children but they are moms in their hearts. I feel your pain, your wanting and your hope. I understand the need to become a mother, to give that gift to a child as well to yourself. Today, I feel the same as you, wanting to have more children to spend my time with and give my love to. Happy Mother's Day to you.

I would also like to say Happy Mother's Day to my sister, who has been not like a mother to me but more like a companion. A thick-as-thieves partner. She too has lost our mother and together she and I have overcome. Amber (my sister) is a fabulous mother who teaches me so much. She also is the worlds best aunt who makes up for the lost love of a grandmother.

Happy Mother's Day to my mom (mother in law) Eva. She has been as much, if not more of a mother to me for the past seventeen years as my own mother. Eva has looked after me when I have been ill, she has cared for my children when I was gone, she has been there after the births of both my boys. Mom has been there for me whenever I have asked and she supports me greatly. Eva is a fabulous grandmother and we are all so grateful to have her!

Also, Happy Mother's day to my friends. Thank you to those of you that I can share my struggles with, who I laugh with and who teach me new things everyday. Thank you to my friends who laugh at my mistakes, don't judge and set me on the right path. I am truly thankful to be in it with you!

Moving on up

Today was the first day of me trying to avoid thinking only of the adoption. And considering that I was on the side of the highway picking up garbage I was pretty distracted. At one point I found myself wanting to steal Marcus's wishing lash, wanting to wish for a speedy adoption but I thought to myself, NO. There will be no more wishing on lashes or candles or coins thrown into a fountain. I am done wishing, I have to move on. My mood today was definetly better, a nice new purse and fancy feet definetly helped; but what I think it is most is my new reserve to just chill out. My life is great, I have two beautiful boys, an amazing husband and two great dogs. I am no longer going to wish it away wating for something.

Retail Therapy

After writing my post last night I tried to distract myself with some mindless television, America's Next Top Model actually. That didnt work, nor did reading in bed. I ended up in a puddle of tears. So, today I picked myself up and went to the mall....

I went to Rocky Mountain Soap company....okay
Then I went to Chapters...uh-oh
THEN I went to Fossil....Oh Crap.

I bought myself a new book, some magazines about the royal wedding of Prince William and a FABULOUS new summer purse!

Now you may ask, did it help? Well, yes in fact it did. I always feel good when I have a beautiful bag on my shoulder.

Now, off to get a pedicure!

Well...

I haven't posted in a while, I guess that putting into words how I have been feeling is not that easy. How am I feeling? Shitty. I went back to bed this morning after the kids went to school, that should say it all. Hiding is what I was doing.

Firstly, we heard back from our AW and the two little ones that we were hopeful for have needs too severe for our family. Crap.

Secondly, during the conversation with our AW she informed me that our home study presented us well although having two big dogs were a concern for some of the other adoption workers. She recommended that we put them through obedience. It is surly not that I think the dogs are perfect (I of all people know that they are not) however this bloody adoption has sucked the life out of me already! and now I have to take my dogs to training! What is so upsetting is jumping hoops for an adoption that may never happen!!!!!

Even though we were presented and warmly received there were also 14 other families presented and at least that amount presented last month. Our darling AW was so kind as to point out that this is going to be a long hall. after all there have been 30 new families within 30 days! URG!

So I am beginning to question my sanity, Noah is beginning to question his worth, Paul is beginning to question the process and Marcus...

Marcus has been having quite the go of it. Not just the adoption but everything for him right now is a bit of a struggle. We are in a valley so to speak. We have been working together (with his therapist's) to try to make Marcus interested in friends. It is not that he doesn't want friends, what he does will find a friend and then pull away, he says that it is easier to be alone, to play alone. His therapist says that his obsession/compulsion to say sorry is so strong that he puts himself in situations where he needs to apologise, purposely annoying or upsetting someone. this obviously makes the kids in his class wary of being his friend. He himself knows what is happening and so he pulls away before it gets too complicated. At the beginning of the year Marcus made a quick friend, for the first couple of months they got along fabulously and then Marcus pulled away, spending time alone, again walking the perimeter of the school yard alone. Even at fencing he has no friends, kids who have tried to be his friend have stopped trying because he is so hard to be around. He doesn't understand humor or social interactions of children his age. He overreacts over simple comments and tries to police them on normal behaviors that he sees as disrespectful or rude. I had a meeting with his school teacher and together we are trying to figure things out. There is another parent at school that has the same concerns with their son so hopefully we can get the two boys together, even though they are not really friends right now. Our therapist gave me a handful of the brown stuff though for not encouraging and fostering relationships with kids from his old school. Well its pretty hard to push your child to be friends with kids that he hasn't seen in over a year and were not really friends to begin with.

And then there is Noah (insert dramatic music here)...the other day when I was in full blown venting mode in the car (thinking that he had his headphones plugged into his DVD player) he overheard me telling Paul how frustrated I am about the adoption process. Next thing I hear is "mom you have to be patient" and then "its not like your dying for kids here, you already have two". My response was normal, saying that I don't have any patience. It wasn't until I was in the shower later that night that it really occurred to me as to what he was trying to say. Here I believed that he had a firm grasp on his worth and why we want to adopt but all of our stress about the situation has caused him to think that we are trying to get another child because the two that we have don't quite measure up. Crap. We spent a long time talking about him and his importance to us and to this family and also of Marcus. We talked about why we want to adopt and even though this is a conversation that we have had many times before he needed to hear it in direct relation to him. He needed to hear about how it will effect him directly, how important he is to the process and how even though it doesn't sound like it, he is more than I could ever ask for.

Paul has decided that we should look into international or private adoption. I know that he is saying this out of frustration with the system and out of concern for me and I really do appreciate the thought but really that is all it is. When  he says that we should look, he means me. When is he going to have the time to look into it?

Well between the Marcus stuff, the Noah stuff, the adoption stuff and general me-being-hard-on-myself stuff I have felt pretty nasty the last couple of days. I booked an appointment with my own therapist. I know that I need the help to see past the stuckness that I am in now. I also called the humane society to see if they would take me back as a volunteer with the dogs. Hopefully for now I can put the adoption behind me, not let it consume me. I cried today, and for me that is a big thing. Usually I have a hard time crying, its not that I don't want to, it is more that I cant, like I have none, like the well is dry. Today, while driving to have lunch with my dear friend I cried, bawled in fact. It all just became too much. Too much waiting, too much anxiety, too much disappointment, too much guilt over the mom that I am (or not) already.

I'm done.

Feeling Blah

I am not well today, in fact  I have the most rotten cold. My head is swimming, my throat is sore, my phlegm is green and I am achy. Yuck. Thanks to the love of my life, I have his cold.

On to other news. We finally got a reply from our adoption worker about the two little ones from the website that we are interested in. Her reply was short, she would check with their adoption worker as to what kind of parents she is looking for and if we fit that criteria she would ask her to read our home study. We should hear back from her in a couple of days. So to torture myself I looked at their profiles again online. I have to ask myself (as I am sure you are asking) what the hell am I doing? Why am I allowing myself to hope for children that may not even be available for us to be matched with?

I am keeping this short today as nobody is reading anyway and I feel like crap!

Two Years?

We were told at our first meeting with our adoption worker that we may wait up to two years to be matched for adoption. Needless to say I am more than a little anxious. The thought of waiting two years to be matched is daunting, it is even longer than the 22 month pregnancy of an elephant. Various thoughts about the situation have been going through my mind and right now what is bothering me the most is change. So many people around me are changing, moving on from having children and being home. Just today I learned that one of my allies in the ever demanding world of Elementary school is going back to work in May. I have relied on her heavily to help my chauffeur children to and from school. I knew that she wasn't going to have anymore kids and I guess that I am just shocked that she is going back to work now. Obviously I am super happy for her, she got a job that fits perfectly into there lives, but this is about me. In fact none of my close friends will have children as young as ours (once we finally adopt). And if we do actually have to wait two years Marcus will be 12 and Noah will be 10 by then. Isn't it crazy to want to get back into toddlers and pre-schoolers. At that time Paul and I could start to enjoy different freedoms that we have had up until now. Am I going to want to still do this in two years? I hope so.

The government of Alberta, children's services has been highly criticized in the past for having photos and information about adoptable children on the Internet. http://www.child.alberta.ca. I however have always been a supporter of this practice. Prior to choosing to adopt I always thought that it was better to promote these children rather than them being unknown, just a number of the system. Sure, I understand why people feel that it may be exploiting and harmful but the motives behind it always seemed honest and sincere, to benefit the children and ultimately place these children in forever homes.

As you may know, Paul and I have chosen to adopt through the government of Alberta. During our first meeting with our adoption worker we were told that the children on the website were not going to be available to us, that there needs are too severe for us to be matched with. In fact we were told that these children are so severe that they have been matched against every adoptive family in Alberta with no success.  At first, I convinced myself to stop looking at the children available on the site, telling myself that they are not for us but after only a short time I gave into curiosity and went online. Most of the children that have been on there forever are still there, although there were two new little ones and I have been trying hard not to fall in love. After reading their bio I promptly sent our adoption worker an email for more information and am waiting on pins and needles for a reply. Who is she to say that these children are too severe for us, I would really like to be given the opportunity to decide myself. I would like to be given the opportunity to know more about them. I know that it is her difficult job to match families with children, goodness knows she is under a great amount of stress to make the right matches, but I am not sure that these two are not for us. I hope that I am not grasping at straws just hoping for a match sooner than later but I really don't think that is what is happening here. Of course, I am wanting to look at their bio now all of the time and it is slightly frustrating that Paul is not feeling the same level of excitement or interest. He would rather play it safe, not want to get interested if they are not available to us. Oh how different he and I are.

This whole process is trying to force me to learn patience. I am not sure the process is winning...

You know you have fertility issues when...

I have been thinking for some time that there is something really wrong with me. I have a dark, twisted, gnarly side that thinks often of kidnapping (seriously, but not seriously).

Being a sister-in-law to many I have had the joy of becoming an aunty seventeen times, that’s right seventeen!  And don’t get me wrong, I love my nieces and nephews but you know you have fertility issues when you cringe every time a family member or friend announces that they are pregnant. I have found that over the years I have come awfully close to baby napping many a child. It is so painful to be the one on the other side, the one who can’t get pregnant; you start to feel like just taking a baby is the only option. Sure, you smile and hug and congratulate those who have babies and get pregnant but inside you crumble.

Being the fantastic auntie that I am, I tend to love on my nieces and nephews A LOT. And usually just when I am really enjoying the snuggles, soaking up all of the hot breath and baby love, wrapped up in my own little world someone will say: "Oh that looks so good on you".

$#%&!

And in reply I smile and say things like...

"Oh I just get to spoil them and give them back" or
"Isn't she beautiful?" or
"I am so lucky to be an aunty"

 but what I really want to say is...

"I wish" or
"Stop being so damn insensitive" or
"I know, it should be us, not them"

It is not that you are wishing people infertility or even that you are unhappy for them,  it is simply that the pain of not being able to have a baby is a well so deep that you can’t see the way out. (If you are a friend of mine or a member of my family I hope that you know that I am truly happy for you and truly blessed to have you and your children in my life).

Being unable to have another baby has left me jaded and bitter. I can remember a time when a close friend of mine told me she was pregnant; we were at a restaurant and our entire table erupted with cheers and joy. I put on my bravest face, gave her the biggest hug and celebrated with the rest of them. However at that very moment I felt my sister’s hand under the table rub my knee, she knew the instant anger, agony, jealousy and guilt that I was feeling. Whether you have had one or two or none at all, when you want to have a baby and the universe says no, it is so damn debilitating.

In the midst of the crazy anxiety and feelings of inadequacy you start to do crazy things like offer people to take their baby if they don’t want it; and yes I have done that. I have actually (and no I am not proud) tried to persuade a young, pregnant girl to give us her child, like I said, you know you have fertility issues when.

The Beginning

This blog is about our adoption. It is April of 2011 and I have begun writing this because the waiting is killing me, I am hoping that this will help focus my energy. Truthfully blogging has always interested me, although until recently I had no reason to write one, I suppose that adoption is as good of a reason as any.

On March 15th (which happened to be my 32nd birthday) we were finally approved to adopt by the government of Alberta. Our adoption process started officially in August of last year, unofficially it started in 2004.

Paul and I met in 1994 while working at McDonald's, we fell in love hard and fast. Four years later we married and two years after that our first son, Marcus was born in October. Getting pregnant with Marcus took a long time so when we chose to try for another we were not surprised to have little success. We were a year-and-a-half into trying when we sought medical assistance, a routine pregnancy test at the beginning of our fertility treatments was positive and Noah was born in April of 2003. Paul and I always agreed that a small family was not in the cards for us, he being the oldest of six and me coming from a small family wanted to have enough kids for a football team.

In 2004 we started thinking about adopting when a family member became pregnant expectantly and was thinking about placing the child for adoption. For Paul and I saw this opportunity to expand our small family without the stress of becoming pregnant ourselves. Just as I began to feel excited my family member changed her mind and decided to keep her baby. Feeling disappointed and rejected we went to the information session for Adoption Alberta, and promptly left scared out of our minds. Marcus was three and Noah was one, adopting a child from the government was just not for us, too many unknowns, not easy enough.

2005 through 2007 was a crazy time of us trying to get pregnant and then trying to pretend as though the four of us was enough. I have decided that time waiting for something is time wasted. Trying to get pregnant, trying to feel complete, trying to make a decision was all time spent not living. In the end we were told that our two boys were miracle conceptions and that we should be happy with what god gave us. It took a long time for me to mourn the loss of our fertility, to mourn the opportunity to expand our family. Depression hit hard and through therapy and love I was able to truly internalise the idea that I was never going to be pregnant again, and oh how I loved being pregnant! I am not going to over glamorize our struggle. It was ugly. Never in my life have I questioned my existence more. From a very young age I was told that I was born to be a mother and somehow having only two children made me feel like I wasn't upholding my end of the bargain. It wasn't until very recently (while waiting to be approved) did I realise that being a mother to one, six or thirteen doesn't make you more or less of a mom. It is not about how many kids you have it is about how you love them, doing right by them.

Last summer we chose to look at adoption more realistically. We checked out private agencies in Alberta and even considered adopting internationally. Our research led us back to our beginning and back to the government of Alberta adoption program. We decided that now was the time. Time had healed our fertility wounds and we came out the other side stronger and feeling more capable. Choosing which route wasn't easy and in the end we decided to adopt societies forgotten, knowing full well that the children in 'the system' are the most fragile, the most scared and the most needy. Besides after parenting Marcus (who has special needs, and you will learn more about later) prepared us for the challenges that come with these special needs kids. In August 2011 we started the paperwork to adopt.