The Beginning

This blog is about our adoption. It is April of 2011 and I have begun writing this because the waiting is killing me, I am hoping that this will help focus my energy. Truthfully blogging has always interested me, although until recently I had no reason to write one, I suppose that adoption is as good of a reason as any.

On March 15th (which happened to be my 32nd birthday) we were finally approved to adopt by the government of Alberta. Our adoption process started officially in August of last year, unofficially it started in 2004.

Paul and I met in 1994 while working at McDonald's, we fell in love hard and fast. Four years later we married and two years after that our first son, Marcus was born in October. Getting pregnant with Marcus took a long time so when we chose to try for another we were not surprised to have little success. We were a year-and-a-half into trying when we sought medical assistance, a routine pregnancy test at the beginning of our fertility treatments was positive and Noah was born in April of 2003. Paul and I always agreed that a small family was not in the cards for us, he being the oldest of six and me coming from a small family wanted to have enough kids for a football team.

In 2004 we started thinking about adopting when a family member became pregnant expectantly and was thinking about placing the child for adoption. For Paul and I saw this opportunity to expand our small family without the stress of becoming pregnant ourselves. Just as I began to feel excited my family member changed her mind and decided to keep her baby. Feeling disappointed and rejected we went to the information session for Adoption Alberta, and promptly left scared out of our minds. Marcus was three and Noah was one, adopting a child from the government was just not for us, too many unknowns, not easy enough.

2005 through 2007 was a crazy time of us trying to get pregnant and then trying to pretend as though the four of us was enough. I have decided that time waiting for something is time wasted. Trying to get pregnant, trying to feel complete, trying to make a decision was all time spent not living. In the end we were told that our two boys were miracle conceptions and that we should be happy with what god gave us. It took a long time for me to mourn the loss of our fertility, to mourn the opportunity to expand our family. Depression hit hard and through therapy and love I was able to truly internalise the idea that I was never going to be pregnant again, and oh how I loved being pregnant! I am not going to over glamorize our struggle. It was ugly. Never in my life have I questioned my existence more. From a very young age I was told that I was born to be a mother and somehow having only two children made me feel like I wasn't upholding my end of the bargain. It wasn't until very recently (while waiting to be approved) did I realise that being a mother to one, six or thirteen doesn't make you more or less of a mom. It is not about how many kids you have it is about how you love them, doing right by them.

Last summer we chose to look at adoption more realistically. We checked out private agencies in Alberta and even considered adopting internationally. Our research led us back to our beginning and back to the government of Alberta adoption program. We decided that now was the time. Time had healed our fertility wounds and we came out the other side stronger and feeling more capable. Choosing which route wasn't easy and in the end we decided to adopt societies forgotten, knowing full well that the children in 'the system' are the most fragile, the most scared and the most needy. Besides after parenting Marcus (who has special needs, and you will learn more about later) prepared us for the challenges that come with these special needs kids. In August 2011 we started the paperwork to adopt.