Not such a good day...

I don't know if it is just that I am tired or perhaps it is PMS but today is not such a good day. I cannot seem to gel with Brandy today, her and I are no where near on the same page. Thursday is music day and like the last few Thursday's Brandy and I went excited for our music class. It was mostly good until about half way through when Brandy decided that she wanted to sit with anyone but me, in fact she was giving me a nasty look and then going to sit with other people, so much so that my friend Heather asked what I had done to piss Brandy off this morning! I know that she is two and I am thirty-something but really it is hard to not take it personally. It leaves me feeling rather disheartened. Then we went to Sobeys and there she whined most of the time and for what I have no idea, then again to take out her frustration she hit me. By the time we got home it was all I could do to get her lunch and get her down for a nap....although she is not napping.

So far with this adoption, things have been great, really very easy but today...today is a bad day. Right now she is screaming 'no' in her crib. I knew at the beginning that there would be bad days and good days, I guess that I was just hoping that the bad days wouldn't be because I was feeling frustrated with her. I know that when the boys were two there were days that I didn't really like them all too much either but I don't really feel like I have the right to feel this way about her. After all isn't this what I asked for? I asked to have another child, for the good and the bad. When there are still people waiting for kids do I really have the right to be frustrated?

So, when I am ready and more calm, I will go into her room, pick her up, give her a snuggle and hopefully be able to turn it all around. Maybe she is feeling pretty crappy about the adoption today too.  

Then and Now

Our dear Brandy has peed on the potty before her bath two nights in a row!

I know that this is dorky and I never wanted to be that kind of mom that made the whole world aware of my child's bathroom habits but oh well! We are thrilled!

Going through this toddler stuff for the third time is so much fun. I know that I am in a different place at a different time of my life but I don't remember enjoying it so much with the boys...perhaps it is because it was something that I took for granted with them and then was not able to have again until now. Perhaps it was also that I was tired and depressed.

I remember telling Paul that he had to eat supper beside the boys, had to bath them nightly and put them to bed. OH THE GUILT! If I could do it over I would, I would love every second and not let it feel like a chore. (In my head right now I can hear my best friend telling me to shut-up, give myself a break and remember that I am only human). Don't get me wrong, I did bath the boys, eat with them, read to them and tuck them into bed, but if given the chance I would avoid having to. I was totally hands-on, until Paul came home from work.

When the boys were little, there were two of them. I was lost, not sure what my life meant and if being a stay-at-home mom was enough. When the boys were young I was depressed, still battling post-partum from Noah's birth. There is nothing that I can do to change the past and letting myself enjoy Brandy being a toddler isn't wrong, it doesn't make the past any worse. I need to let myself enjoy this time and not let the guilt of the past cloud the present. 

I know that I have always been a loving and caring mom but these past few years I really feel like I am truly a very good mom. I am good at what I do, just like an electrician, lawyer or doctor. I feel as though I have come into my own, grown up and not just accepted but enjoy the decisions that I have made. Which is another reason why I was so ready to adopt, because I know that not only can I handle it but that I want it.

I love bathing Brandy, she totally cracks me up! I love the smell of the soap and washing her hair. I love rubbing her with lotion and helping her brush her teeth. As for eating with her, Paul eats dinner beside her because I usually eat breakfast and lunch with her. I love to snuggle with her before bed, Paul and I almost fight over it!
So, this time around... I will delight in the trips to the potty. I will savour the bath times and her snuggles afterwards when she is shivering cold. I will laugh inwardly at the temper tantrums. I will enjoy reading the same book over and over (if it means that I get to be with her). During diaper changes I will take the opportunity to talk to her and teach her things. And for my boys? I will remind them everyday that I love them. I will take them to football, fencing, horseback, lacrosse and birthday parties. I will enjoy the after school homework sessions and be grateful that I get to be with them. I will gladly take them to movies that I have no desire to see, just so that they will hold my hand in the dark. I will play board games and read books to them. I will continue to be the mom that I have become and I will forgive myself for being the mom that I was.  

My Boys...

Well my Marcus and my Noah have been through alot lately. First it was Christmas and the business that goes with that, then it was a death of someone close to us, then it was the trip to get Brandy, then it was getting sick and missing school and now for poor Noah it is a new orthodontic appliance that has been put in his mouth. OY!

I have talked to both of their teachers and they have all seen an increase in anxiety of BOTH boys, not just our Marcus with the diagnosed anxiety disorder. So today I made appointments for both of them to see our psychologist. We knew that the process of adopting and then bringing a new child home would be hard on the boys but I guess I was not really prepared.

We have seen a return of many of Marcus's ticks (from his Tourettes Syndrome), obsessions / compulsions (from his Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and general anxiety behaviour. His poor hands are red and cracked from the return of his hand washing. Being afraid and disgusted by germs is a constant for Marcus although he usually manages the need to compulsively wash quite well. We try to ensure that he eats well, sleeps enough and has a manageable amount of stress; doing so (along with medications) allow him function really, very well. Lately, obviously we haven't been able to keep it balanced enough for him. He was so upset the other day when he accidentally touched an apple core in the van garbage that he was begging me to pull over the car so that he could wash his hands. Obviously rational thought was not an option because it didn't occur to him that pulling over didn't magically make a sink and soap appear. As for the ticking, well he is back to saying 'excuse me' over and over again. Yes I know that as far a Tourettes is concerned, a vocal tick such as saying excuse me is really rather pleasant. However, when you count your child saying 'excuse me' forty-seven times in one minute it is distressing none-the-less. Knowing that his stress level is so high that he cannot control his own brain is so sad. He has also started picking his skin on his foot again and it is starting to crack, which obviously hurts him. My sweet boy.

As for our Noah, he puts a tremendous amount of pressure on himself and we have always tried to help him work through it, doing things like reassuring him that he is perfectly perfect the way he is. Lately however the pressure is too much. We actually have seen an increase since football this summer. He is always so worried about disappointing a coach or a teacher, failing a test or not making a tackle. He doesn't want to let himself cry and gets embarrassed when showing emotion. It seems that since we have brought Brandy home he is even more worried about these things, even more concerned about being right, perfect, responsible and the 'model citizen'.

So, we have booked them both some appointments with our child psychologist and are giving them all of the love and snuggles that we can. We will keep a close eye on them and work with their teachers to keep them safe and loved. I am sure that it will all calm down with time, right?