I haven't posted in a while, I guess that putting into words how I have been feeling is not that easy. How am I feeling? Shitty. I went back to bed this morning after the kids went to school, that should say it all. Hiding is what I was doing.
Firstly, we heard back from our AW and the two little ones that we were hopeful for have needs too severe for our family. Crap.
Secondly, during the conversation with our AW she informed me that our home study presented us well although having two big dogs were a concern for some of the other adoption workers. She recommended that we put them through obedience. It is surly not that I think the dogs are perfect (I of all people know that they are not) however this bloody adoption has sucked the life out of me already! and now I have to take my dogs to training! What is so upsetting is jumping hoops for an adoption that may never happen!!!!!
Even though we were presented and warmly received there were also 14 other families presented and at least that amount presented last month. Our darling AW was so kind as to point out that this is going to be a long hall. after all there have been 30 new families within 30 days! URG!
So I am beginning to question my sanity, Noah is beginning to question his worth, Paul is beginning to question the process and Marcus...
Marcus has been having quite the go of it. Not just the adoption but everything for him right now is a bit of a struggle. We are in a valley so to speak. We have been working together (with his therapist's) to try to make Marcus interested in friends. It is not that he doesn't want friends, what he does will find a friend and then pull away, he says that it is easier to be alone, to play alone. His therapist says that his obsession/compulsion to say sorry is so strong that he puts himself in situations where he needs to apologise, purposely annoying or upsetting someone. this obviously makes the kids in his class wary of being his friend. He himself knows what is happening and so he pulls away before it gets too complicated. At the beginning of the year Marcus made a quick friend, for the first couple of months they got along fabulously and then Marcus pulled away, spending time alone, again walking the perimeter of the school yard alone. Even at fencing he has no friends, kids who have tried to be his friend have stopped trying because he is so hard to be around. He doesn't understand humor or social interactions of children his age. He overreacts over simple comments and tries to police them on normal behaviors that he sees as disrespectful or rude. I had a meeting with his school teacher and together we are trying to figure things out. There is another parent at school that has the same concerns with their son so hopefully we can get the two boys together, even though they are not really friends right now. Our therapist gave me a handful of the brown stuff though for not encouraging and fostering relationships with kids from his old school. Well its pretty hard to push your child to be friends with kids that he hasn't seen in over a year and were not really friends to begin with.
And then there is Noah (insert dramatic music here)...the other day when I was in full blown venting mode in the car (thinking that he had his headphones plugged into his DVD player) he overheard me telling Paul how frustrated I am about the adoption process. Next thing I hear is "mom you have to be patient" and then "its not like your dying for kids here, you already have two". My response was normal, saying that I don't have any patience. It wasn't until I was in the shower later that night that it really occurred to me as to what he was trying to say. Here I believed that he had a firm grasp on his worth and why we want to adopt but all of our stress about the situation has caused him to think that we are trying to get another child because the two that we have don't quite measure up. Crap. We spent a long time talking about him and his importance to us and to this family and also of Marcus. We talked about why we want to adopt and even though this is a conversation that we have had many times before he needed to hear it in direct relation to him. He needed to hear about how it will effect him directly, how important he is to the process and how even though it doesn't sound like it, he is more than I could ever ask for.
Paul has decided that we should look into international or private adoption. I know that he is saying this out of frustration with the system and out of concern for me and I really do appreciate the thought but really that is all it is. When he says that we should look, he means me. When is he going to have the time to look into it?
Well between the Marcus stuff, the Noah stuff, the adoption stuff and general me-being-hard-on-myself stuff I have felt pretty nasty the last couple of days. I booked an appointment with my own therapist. I know that I need the help to see past the stuckness that I am in now. I also called the humane society to see if they would take me back as a volunteer with the dogs. Hopefully for now I can put the adoption behind me, not let it consume me. I cried today, and for me that is a big thing. Usually I have a hard time crying, its not that I don't want to, it is more that I cant, like I have none, like the well is dry. Today, while driving to have lunch with my dear friend I cried, bawled in fact. It all just became too much. Too much waiting, too much anxiety, too much disappointment, too much guilt over the mom that I am (or not) already.
I'm done.
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