It's been a while...

So I have been trying to gain some perspective on life and adoption, purposely distancing myself to keep my head in the game that I am already playing. Trying to be present in the life that I already have, the life that I am already living. Well, I am not sure that it is totally working, however today I am allowing myself to hope again. Today Paul and I are going to an adoption fair. The central Alberta children's services unit is hosting an adoption fair in Red Deer. I find the whole process a little weird, kind-of like shopping for a new car, browsing the different models and reading the specs about the ones you are interested in, kicking the tires if you may. It is easy to hope that our child or children will be waiting for us there, that we will see their profiles and just know they are ours. It is easy to hope, scary as hell though, is hoping not setting myself up for disappointment again? Every time (through this process) that I have allowed myself to hope I have been met head-on with disappointment. I am not sure how to feel right now. Nervous, excited, happy, hopeful, anxious, all of the above.